The Networking Princess

..was the title that I was aiming at the beginning of the day. I didn't do bad, I just feel bad for some reasons..or should I say I felt bad because I didn't feel anything?

I went to that little world of business professionals this late afternoon. I said "little" because exhibitors from different companies were all squeezed on the reading room. I went there by myself and tried hard to talk to those "business professionals" to "network" - which, for me, simply means having a small talk with strangers that may or may not help you out with your career path. I just hope that I didn't irritate anyone with some of my lousy questions, but if I did, send me an email and will cook a dinner for you as a peace offering.

Maybe I didn't feel anything good or bad - which made me feel bad, as I have said, because I still feel too small to fit in to that professional world of business. Today's experience was a wake-up call for me to step-out of my comfort zone and be someone that will fit into that world.

Good thing there's still one more chance tomorrow to feel "good" about networking. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I'm gonna have atleast one friend from my future world. :)

Oh I forgot to tell, I met two awesome ladies from the company where my dad works..and surprisingly, one of them knows my name! It was really nice meeting them and hopefully will meet more like them tomorrow. (Well, it's fine if they won't be able to know my name. Lol.)

Have a peaceful day and night, folks! :)

Tired and Typing

Ever have that feeling when you just wanna quit everything that you have been doing for so long, and yet, you just can't because it will harm you?

It's 12:00 am. Luckily, I have already studied 4 out of 5 chapters that I am required to read for our term test on Thursday. (And yeah, I was talking about studying. What else could it be? Haha) But of course, I haven't mastered them yet, and I doubt if I will ever. Since I took Accounting as a major, my mind gets screwed whenever I try to study a subject that requires no computation at all, but justhaving eye-to-eye contact with my book (just imagine that it has eyes), drawing hearts and butterflies all over the pages, understanding each word until my eyes popped out of my face, and until my mind protests that it needs the comfort of a pillow.

But don't misunderstand, I hate Math. I just love Accounting. Those two are DIFFERENT, and I have been spending almost a quarter of my life explaining to and convincing others that I am not a Math geek - I am a math retard.

..and that's all I wanna say for now. I am being talkative again.

Snowy Wish

So here I am, talking about winter again..for the nth time.

I love the snow. I love the way it falls to the ground. I love how the snowflakes shine because of sun rays. I love the different kind of warmth that it brings out of its extreme coldness (and you have to experience it so you won't think I'm just talking nonsense). I love its whiteness, its purity, and its calmness, and how it can be so beautiful and magnificent effortlessly.

Again, I love the snow, but not the winter. I apologize if it doesn't make sense to you. If it's just a plain winter day, I hate it. But if it's a snowy one, I would definitely love to go out and dance with the snow - or even just watch it by my window as if I am watching the Chronicles of Narnia.

I just noticed that lately, whenever I am happy, it snows. It sounds stupid, but it makes me feel good. I feel like the weather sympathizes with me whenever I feel so down (by not snowing), and how it rewards me whenever I feel like dancing in the wind (by snowing).

Snow is definitely dangerous, it might kill you if you slipped so badly in the ground, that's why I have to be extremely careful (although I have slipped so many times already). It's just funny how I love something that can hurt me so bad. But it is so wonderful, so beautiful that even if I know it can cause me harm, I won't ever mind..as long as it makes me happy and more alive.

Have you ever loved something (someone) that hurts you? Don't ask me, I'd lie. :-V

I Just Forgot..That I Remembered

In the middle of my reading about business portfolio analysis (and now I can't remember what that means..tsk), I suddenly remembered something. Something that has to deal with my "cute" past..something that should not be remembered anymore, but to my surprise, I just did. And I can't even deny the fact that it painted a little smile on my face.

It's really hard for me to describe myself, but there is one thing that I am certain of - I can't easily forget. Even that day when I asked my Mom if I can still have a bottle of milk before I go to bed after I have just finished one and she refused because I was already in diapers and one bottle was enough, I can still remember that. At first, I did not believe myself that there's such a memory existing on my mind (until now, obviously), so I needed to confirm it to my Mom and she just laughed at me. She just couldn't believe that her daughter's memory has the ability to remember nonsense things. She's right. I tend to remember things that do not seem to make sense at all.

Sorry, I lied on the last sentence. There are still so many things that shouldn't be remembered anymore, but I can still see them so clearly..that even the person involved in a memory that I just remembered a while ago might just give me blank stares and risen eyebrows. Hey you, yeah you're right, your friend is this weird.

I must admit, I am sentimental. If something is "linked" with me for a very long time, my mind will never be ready for a goodbye. Even the G-tech pen that I just lost 2 years ago after owning it for 2 years, made me feel miserable for 2 days.

I have this little piece of paper in my wallet that I keep for more than half a decade. Although it somehow means nothing to me but just a memory of a once special friend, I can't still get rid of it. Time makes it more special..and not anymore the emotions associated with it before.

I loved someone for a very very very long time. Sometimes I doubt if I really loved that person, or maybe because it was because of the length of time that I have known him. If love is true, no matter how long the time and distance that sets you apart from that person, it won't vanish too easily. Now I doubt if what I felt was true..or I just liked his existence, if that makes a difference.

I have lost Mama. I have lost one of my two most favorite uncles. Forgetting about them is the most impossible thing that could ever happen in this planet.

I just realized that sometimes, not forgetting about everything ruins your present, and manipulates your future. I know that was an overstatement, but unfortunately, that's how I perceive things.

"If our memory is just a minute-long, what will happen to this world?" I don't know why I remember my Psychology professor's question so clearly, word-for-word. (But come on, that was an easy sentence.)

If my memory is just a minute-long, pains will be just a minute-long, my grief should have just been a minute-long, and all of my negative thoughts will just be a minute-long.

But I don't wanna be loved for just a minute, I don't wanna be cared for for just a minute, I don't wanna be happy for just a minute, I don't wanna feel so thankful for just a minute, and I don't wanna remember special people for just a minute. I can't just sacrifice the things that makes me happy just to avoid those ones that made me so miserable.

Sorry for this long post that I bet no one will ever read. I just want to forget the things that I just remembered...

..and I bet will still be remembered over time

.

Saranghae.

I can never understand the cold. It is a kind of cold where even your warmest and coziest jacket and sweatshirts won't suffice. You won't even able to understand why is it still cold even if you have already done your best just to not feel it. It's like you are covering yourself with the strongest shield but that thing that you are trying hard to avoid is transparent, invisible, and can still pass through your shield and will still hit you until your very last bone melts. It hurts..it really hurts.

Sometimes, I can't define the cold anymore. But despite of being used to the cold for almost a century, how come it still breaks me? I wanna get angry, but who the hell would argue with a thing you don't even touch and see? That's why I always think that this stupid coldness is an unfair enemy..it knows that I am not that strong to fight too hard, and yet it will still do its best to destroy me silently.

I know you won't get it. But yes, I am talking about you. You are more dangerous than the coldest winter day. You're too cold..I might just gonna die of frost bite.

And just for tonight...I hate you.

Stuck

Honestly, I still can't sleep. Just when my body finally started to feel so tired, my brain sabotaged it and successfully prevented myself from falling asleep.

Because I just hate what is going on my mind right now.

I can't still say anything about it. I hate it when I have just typed a very long sentence and just end up deleting everything - just like now. There are so many things that I want to say..so many stories that I want to put an end to, but I can't say anything. I can't do anything. Those stupid things have to be better left unsaid because if I will let them be released too easily in this world, I might end up regretting my existence for a few minutes..then I will just walk away as soon as I recover - just like before. Walking away has been a very common solution when things aren't just happening the way you want them to, though it really feels so bad.

..but I don't wanna walk away anymore. I should find a way.

Renovatio

Ilang araw na akong nag-iisip tungkol sa paglalakbay sa nakaraan at ilang dekada ko na rin

g pinag-iisipan kung kailangan ko na nga ba talaga ng kalinga ng mental hospital. Paano nga kaya kung posibleng makabalik sa nakaraan ang isang tao? May mga babaguhin nga kaya siya sa nakaraan niya? Eh paano kung sa pagpupumilit niyang maayos ang mga gusot ng nakaraan, hindi na pala aayon ang lahat sa kasalukyan at sa hinaharap?

Naisip ko lang lahat 'yan matapos kong panoorin 'yung isang palabas kung saa

n binibigyan ng pagkakataon 'yung bida na magpabalik-balik sa nakaraan, basta sasabihin niya lang ang salitang "Renovatio" nang tatlong ulit (na isang salitang Latin na ang ibig palang sabihin ay "total rebirth") at sisigaw ng "DARNA!", ay este 'yung pangalan pala ng taong gusto niyang balikan sa nakaraan. 'Yung bida kasi, mayroon siyang lihim na pagtingin 'dun sa best friend niya sa loob ng 20 taon, at sa kakaisip niya na maaari naman siyang umamin bukas, sa isang bukas, sa isa pang bukas, at pagkatapos ng bukas na 'yun, hindi niya namamalayan, nauubusan na pala siya ng oras. Napagod na sa kakahintay 'yung babae hanggang sa mahanap niya 'yung pinakasalan niya. Best man na lang tuloy ang naging papel ng bida sa kasal ng best friend niya. Nakakapanlumo. Pagkatapos ng dalawang dekada, nang dahil lang sa kakaisip na bottomless naman ang

 bukas, napaglipasan na siya ng panahon.

Ilang araw na kaya ng buhay ko ang nasasayang at ilang pagkakataon na kaya ang dapat kong paghinayangan? Kung sakaling posible nga talaga ang mag-time travel sa nakaraan at mabigyan ng pagkakataon na ayusin at gawin ang mga bagay na maaari ko pang ayusin at gawin, may sapat na oras kaya ako? Baka nga siguro ako naman ang hindi na makabalik sa kasalukuyan dahil sa dami ng mga bagay na napalagpas at pinagsisisihan ko sa nakaraan.

Medyo nakakatuwa nga rin talaga kasi kung may kakayahan ang tao na magpabalik-balik sa nakaraan. Kung nagsisisi ka na hindi kayo nagkatuluyan, balik lang, suyuin mo siya hanggang sa maituring mo siyang iyong-iyo. Kung bagsak ka sa exam mo ngayon, balik lang, magreview ka nang todo (pero dapat bago ka bumalik, mag-effort kang kabisaduhin 'yung mga tanong para alam mo na mga dapat mong aralin). Kung may napalagpas kang palabas sa TV, bumalik ka lang sa time slot nang gusto mong panuorin. Kung namatayan ka man, balik lang, gawin mo

 ang lahat para maiwas siya sa bagay na magiging sanhi nang tuluyan niyang pamamaalam (kaso medyo nakakakilabot 'yun, so be strong). Kung maibabalik lang sana ang lahat.. kaso hindi eh. IMPOSIBLE.

Siguro nga naging imposible ang time travelling dahil na rin sa may mga bagay talaga na sadyang hindi nangyari dahil sa hindi sila dapat mangyari at may mga bagay na naiwang mali sa nakaraan dahil sa tamang panahon, maitatama rin ang lahat. Walang binibigyan ng pagkakataon na lumipad sa nakaraan dahil lahat ng tao, may sapat na panahon para 

gawin ang mga bagay na nakatadhanang gawin, hindi lang niya naiisip 'yun kasi nga bulag siya sa paniniwala na lahat ng bagay ay kaya niyang paikutin sa sarili niyang mga kamay.

Pero nanlumo talaga ako na imposible pala talaga ang time travelling.

"We all have our time machines, don't we? Those that take us back are memories.. And those that carry us forward, are dreams."

-Time Machine, 2002

Renovatio.. Renovatio.. Renovatio..

 

--

Last for tonight. Good night. :)

Four Stanzas

While the velvety clouds shine above us

While the birds chirp withoutbeing tired,

And while the wind blows at a speed so fast,

Sitting here, I wonder when this will last.

 

The smell of the morning summer breeze,

Somehow sets my heart at ease,

And when finally I close my eyes,

Sitting here, I wonder when this will last.

 

My diary has comforted me for years

Without words, it blown away my tears,

And while I'm at the end of filling the last line,

Sitting here, I wonder when this will last.

 

I once learnt to let go of love

Though even once, it has never been in my hands.

And when I started talking about my love,

Sitting here, I wonder when this will last.

 

We're Never Ever Getting Back Together...I Thought

I have always loved writing. But writing is the most complicated thing that I have ever encountered in this world..much more complicated than-- I don't know. I really have no intentions to talk about writing. It's just complicated.

And please forgive me if my grammar will suck somewhere. Sometimes I feel like I can proofread an English dictionary, but sometimes I feel more stupid than a Grade 1 student. Again..please forgive me.

I even did not know what to write here. I am just typing whatever thoughts I have in mind. I am writing in English..just to add to my list of evidences that I am not in my home country anymore and I have many friends who wants to slap me in the face because I keep on posting shits that they can't understand. I am supposed to be studying for Thursday's term test in Marketing, but here I am, talking nonsense and wasting my time. I just wanted to talk..silently.

My former beautiful professor in English inspired me to write again. (Sorry Ma'am Yen for my poor english! Haha) By reading her posts, she makes me realize that it is always okay to talk about how I feel..and I should not be afraid if people will just laugh at whatever I say, or worse, if they will just ignore me. Writing has been my true best friend for more than a decade, and I thought...we're never ever getting back together.

I did not even know why I posted my picture here. Honestly, I just feel beautiful there. Haha. But no, I am really not beautiful. I am fat. I am ugly.

But hey, look at me, I am loved. I have plenty of good friends. I am happy...most of the time! :)

I apologize for this sloppy blog. I just..I don't know. I just don't know what I really want to say.